I’m not afraid of dying….

Or so I say.. But, truthfully, I am afraid.

I’m afraid that, when I do die, I will have left behind too much unfinished business.

..an apology not offered.

..a broken friendship that I didn’t try to repair.

..the aspirations I never pursued.

.. lessons that I wanted my sons to learn by watching me live with self-determination, self-trust, and confidence.

..and, perhaps most importantly, living with complete non-judgmental love and acceptance recognizing that our differences provide the colored tapestry to our world.

I could list more. You could probably list several of your own. But, why be redundant? I think you get where I’m coming from.

These thoughts didn’t just come out of the blue. They’ve been lurking in my mind for a while, having now become more pervasive.

Maybe the universe is trying to tell me something!

Here’s the “thing” about unfinished business, at least for me. It perpetuates this gnawing sense of incompleteness. A disconnect between the person that I am, right now, and the one that I envision myself to be or that I want to be.

And.. I don’t like that feeling!

Maybe the universe is trying to tell me something…

..That changes are in order and choices need to be made.

As I see it, there are just 2 possible choices:

Do NOTHING and accept that my current situation will remain the same. I’ve tried this and it has been about as appealing as a chicken bone stuck in my throat that I could neither swallow nor spit out. (Yuk)
Have the courage to trust in, and act on, my instincts and be willing to live with whatever the results may be.

If there is one thing that I have come to believe, it is that the” quality of my answers will only be as good as the quality of the questions” I ask. Although I’m not big into clichés, this is one that has proven to be helpful throughout my life.

So, prior to making my choice, here are just a few of the questions that I am asking myself:

How happy will I be with the chicken bone forever stuck in my throat? In other words, will I be satisfied feeling as though I am living a “luke-warm” existence? For that matter, have I ever been satisfied with “luke-cold” beer, or an “almost” hot coffee?
What would go through my mind if, in the 5 minutes immediately before my death, I was shown that my wildest dreams would’ve been realized had I only had the courage to attempt them?
What type of people do I most admire? The ones who lay it on the line knowing that there are no guarantees, with failure and disappointment looming as possibilities. Or, those who choose to play it safe, make no waves, and experience neither the extreme “thrill of victory, nor the painful agony of defeat.” (yea.. I know, another cliché circa 1961 from Jim McKay and the Wild World of Sports).
For those who may take their “cues” from me, what message am I sending by doing what I am doing right now? Is this the message that I want to send?
And, my final question. Am I being honest? Not so much with others, because I am pretty sure that I am. But, am I being honest with myself?

The thing about unfinished business is… It doesn’t finish itself.

Without intent and action, nothing changes.

I have finally begun to recognize that, over time, my personal unfinished business has become a 100-pound backpack, wearing me down as I walk around wondering about the unfulfilled dreams and incomplete, uncommitted effort to attain them.

As I re-read the questions written above… I know that it’s my time for change. It’s time for closure.

Not the type of closure in the forever terminal sense of the word.

But rather the type of closure that comes from deciding to stop living on “Someday Isle”, and take the action today that will lead to reconciling some of my loose ends.

And if my dreams remain unfinished, I will be at peace looking at myself in the mirror knowing that I gave it my all.

RDF-10