Whatever “success” has come my way (and how success is even defined) has occurred as much despite me as it has because of me.
This has often been something I’ve contemplated when wanting to offer guidance to my 4 sons (now self-reliant young men) about how to go about “designing” their lives.
I’ve never had, and to this day still do not have, the “magic” template that will insure accomplishment, fulfillment, and contentment.
Some of the dads I had known seemed to have had this. They seemed to have had it all together.
The right answers.
The right course of action.
The right formula for building a sustainable life.
That wasn’t me.
In fact, I don’t think I have ever “had it all together” and was never able to determine the definitive way to go about managing the challenges that life presented. Even today, after a life and career that some would consider highly successful, I still don’t feel like I have it all together.
You see, I have had, and to some extent still do, experience numerous personal struggles.
With doubt.
With insecurity.
With the self-absorbed feeling of lacking adequate appreciation.
And, still too often, with a feeling that “I am not enough.”
In the past, I had wasted (and sometimes still occasionally waste), far too much time worrying about how my future would (will) unfold while allowing precious moments to “tick” by without being fully respectful of those moments and completely present in them.
In fact, it was the worries, fears, regrets, and sometimes even the anger and resentment that had drained me of my most precious, irreplaceable, resource… The time and moments that, once gone, can never be reclaimed.
I believe that it can justly be stated that the challenges we face in life are as unique as our fingerprints and as variable as our genetic codes. Maybe it’s because of this that I do not believe in a specific “success formula” that would be universally applicable to all of us.
In fact, this is one of the main gripes that I have had (and continue to have) with some of the “success gurus” who offer their “10 steps,” “10 secrets,” or a pre-defined “recipe” that is promoted as being the precise roadmap to reaching a state of personal nirvana.
However, with 20/20 hindsight, I recognize that despite my shortcomings and individual “flaws”, I have been able to continue to grind forward by following a few basic principles that have formed the foundation for a personally rewarding life.
For what it’s worth, here they are:
Have a purpose.
I fully recognized the importance of this when, years ago, after reaching a point of physical and emotional exhaustion, I decided to leave a career that brought me more professional prestige and financial security than I could have ever imagined. (that’s another story for another time.)
It’s the only time in my life that I ever left something without having a clear idea of what I wanted to move towards.
At the time, I thought it was the right thing to do. I felt that I needed the time and space that removing myself from a position of stress and responsibility would provide.
What I did NOT realize was how, without purpose, without direction, and without responsibility, my life would begin to devolve into a dark place that almost cost me my marriage, my integrity, my self-respect, and my ability to be the type of example that I wanted to be for my sons.
I also realized a few other things about purpose.
The exact nature of the purpose is not nearly as important as simply having one.
Purposes are not fixed, static entities. They are dynamic and should evolve based upon the circumstances of our lives.
We will never find and live our “passion” without first identifying and managing our most immediate purpose(s).
I will elaborate more about the dynamic attributes of purpose in a future post.
But for now, I will just leave it that an absence of purpose, at least for me, led to the absence of an existence that mattered.
Take ownership.
By this I mean assume complete responsibility for the trajectory of your life.
Embrace and reward your victories.
Accept and learn from your failures.
Don’t rationalize away your shortcomings, real or perceived.
And avoid justifying your mistakes by blaming others or griping about the unfairness of your situation. Not only will your grow more quickly by doing this, but you will develop a deeper level of respect, both for yourself, as well as from those around you.
Owning your situation also means accepting that life isn’t fair.
Never has been.
Never will be.
And, for that matter, is not fairness squarely in the eye of the beholder?
Ruminating on what is “fair” does nothing more than lead to anger and resentment which hampers your ability to meet your goals by further diverting your attention away from those things that are more clearly under your control.
So.. “fuck what’s fair!” There are far more important things to focus on.
Honor your word.
My dad told me this many years ago and it has stuck with me.
When he said yes, he meant it.
When he said no, he meant it.
If he committed to doing something you could be sure that he would do it.
This “rule” has no magnitude of order. By that, I mean that no matter if your commitment is to something that may seem “large” or “small”, when it comes to doing what you say you will do, it is all the same.
And remember, that with each commitment you make, your trust and integrity are put on the line.
Never quit.
There will be times when, seemingly out of the blue, life will hit you with an unexpected sucker punch, leaving you feeling as though you have been cast aside and kicked to the curb.
In fact, you may have been cast aside and kicked to the curb. It doesn’t matter.
Get up…. Get up again….Get up as many times as you need to and find a way to move forward.
The strength and confidence you gain by doing so will forever serve you well.
Have faith.
Not necessarily the “religious” type or belief in a specific deity. However, if you have that kind of faith, it’s OK.
I am speaking of maintaining a deep-seated conviction that, regardless of how bleak any situation or circumstance may appear, you have what it takes to make it through.
Throughout your life, there will be occurrences that you will be inclined to judge as being “good” or “bad”.
Endeavor to avoid doing that and to consider, in that moment, you have no clue of the effect that any incident will have on the trajectory of your life.
Numerous times I had judged something to be bad, yet it turned out for the better. Just as often, I had judged something to be good, and had been equally wrong with my “on-the-spot” assessment.
The world spins in strange ways. So many unknowns. So much we don’t understand.
But I have come to believe that whatever comes my way is there for a reason and that things will all work out somehow.
It has been that belief that has allowed me to, as best I can, accept what comes my way and regardless of situation or circumstance, get up again, and again, as many times as needed.
I wish you that same faith.
RDF-10